The Very Essence of Love Read online

  “Darcy, open the door! I need to speak to you.” Darcy said nothing, while the pleading on the other side continued. “You cannot carry on like this. You know that you cannot stay hidden in there forever. You must leave your desk one day.”

  Darcy knew the Colonel was right; he could not stay here forever, but he could not leave either. The knocks on the door continued; the Colonel was not going to give up. Darcy stood up, went to the door and opened it just as the Colonel was about to force his entrance.

  “At last,” he exclaimed, but Darcy turned back to his desk, avoiding the gazes of his cousin and Mrs. Annesley, who was shocked to see her master in such a dishevelled state. Colonel Fitzwilliam dismissed Mrs. Annesley, and followed his cousin into the room.

  “Darcy, you have to get a grip on yourself. I shall not have this nonsense of you locking yourself in here like a dog.”

  “What are you going to do? Carry me out?” Darcy said, and his voice betrayed the deepest pain. The Colonel pulled the curtains aside, allowing the light to enter with full force, revealing just how desolate Darcy looked.

  “If I have to, be assured I will. You have not eaten anything in days, you have not changed your clothes. You cannot continue in this state. You are not a beggar, you are the son of the Earl of Matlock.”

  “I am barely anything these days.”

  “Nonsense! Georgiana will be fine…” Although the Colonel’s words were meant to be reassuring, they sounded unconvincing and Darcy felt infuriated by the clumsy commiseration they carried.

  “Darcy, the doctors are of the opinion that she will recover.”

  “The doctors… What do they know? One day they tell us she is well, and the following one they tell us there is nothing more they can do. Remember how it was with my father? How they assured us that all danger had passed? The hope that he was going to be well destroyed my mother in the end also.” Darcy stopped and looked at the Colonel who wished to say something more. “Please, now I would like to be left alone.”

  The Colonel understood he was being dismissed, that no other words would be forthcoming from his cousin. Before he left the room, he turned to him and said, “You are being selfish, Darcy. This is not about you.”

  Darcy knew the Colonel was right about everything; his current behaviour was less than it ought to have been. He dropped his face into his hands and wished for a miracle, something or someone to wake him up and tell him this had been nothing but a nightmare.

  “Mr. Darcy,” he heard his name being called and could not help wondering whether he was indeed in a dream. He lifted his head and turned in the direction from which the sound had come.

  She was there. Miss Elizabeth was inside the room, the door ajar just as the Colonel had left it. Suddenly he realised that she had heard everything.

  “Miss Elizabeth, have you come to affirm your poor opinion of me? That I am a selfish being.”

  Elizabeth was pained to realise that he saw her in that manner. “No, Mr. Darcy! And although I believe that you have many flaws, being selfish is not one of them.” Elizabeth edged further into the room, drawing near to him, almost as close as she had been the last time they were face-to-face.

  “I believe that you are suffering, and this prevents you from seeing how much your sister needs you to be with her.”

  “I cannot,” Mr. Darcy spoke, to her surprise. She understood she had to become bolder to get him out of this state, and she instinctively took his hand into hers, forcing him to look at her, surprised by the audacity of her gesture.

  “Yes, you can,” Elizabeth spoke with a tremble in her voice, “because you are not alone. You have many people to care for you, and they now suffer doubly because they cannot help you or Miss Darcy. Only God knows why he puts us through these trials, but we can find comfort in the help offered to us.”

  Darcy nodded as if under a spell. Her words were warm and comforting, like food for the soul one so desperately craves. Elizabeth extended her hand and when he caught it, she smiled. Darcy brought it to his face, where Elizabeth could feel the small beard that had grown there pricking her fingers. They were alone, like they were the last time they were together, but with feelings much changed. He was not declaring his love for her, yet she felt more joy now, when she heard him say her name a few seconds later.

  Unexpectedly, his fingers touched her chin also, lifting her face to his, and thanking her for her presence in the house. Elizabeth blushed, and she was happy there was no one else around to see it. Mrs. Annesley’s voice was heard in the hall and Elizabeth separated from him, urging him softly to follow her.

  He did follow Elizabeth out of the room. Darcy did not object to anything she decided for him with the help of Mrs. Annesley, who seemed content to take care of him, and when he stepped into Georgiana’s room, Elizabeth was with him. Georgiana was asleep, but she was peaceful. Unlike the last time he had seen her. Darcy took his sister’s hand and kissed it.

  “Miss Darcy has had a restful night, Mr. Darcy,” Jane uttered, and it was only then Darcy noticed her on the other side of the bed. “There was no fever and no restlessness. I think God has listened to our prayers, sir.”

  Darcy thanked Jane for her words, acknowledging for the first time her presence, and closed on his sister to kiss her forehead. It was neither hot nor cold. His lips pressed on her skin filled him with the remembrance of when she was small, and always expected a goodnight kiss from him to protect her from the ghosts and spirits. It was a childish game on her part then, but now, returning to something as familiar as that, Darcy felt he was indeed protecting her.

  “Mr. Darcy,” Jane spoke for a second time with contained enthusiasm, gazing at Georgiana, while Elizabeth watched in bewilderment as well. Darcy moved his eyes to his sister’s face and saw her eyes open, looking at him. Her look was empty and discouraged, and she closed them again in fatigue.

  Elizabeth felt tears coming up into her own eyes, but she fought the need to weep, she would not allow herself to ruin such a special time. Jane approached her instantly and together they left Georgiana’s chamber, allowing the Darcys to rejoice together.

  Chapter 13

  Elizabeth read once again her father’s letter, striving to fully understand the meaning of his words. With all the agitation of the last few days, she had almost forgotten that there were other matters that needed her attention, miles away at Longbourn. Among the familiarities her father’s letter carried, there were two pieces of information that piqued her interest, and each brought forth very different emotions.

  “Dearest Lizzy,

  (…) I fear I have no option but to allow Lydia to go to Brighton in the company of Mrs. Forster. I have had not one day of rest since the plan was announced and I am afraid that if I deny Mrs. Bennet this favour, I shall not have any peace for the rest of the summer.

  (…) Mr. Wickham has visited us on a number of occasions and I have to confess that I enjoy his company; he is an entertaining and pleasant fellow. Your mother and sisters are charmed by him, but I expect this will not come as a surprise. He mentioned your name several times and I suspect he has a particular interest in you, which as your father I am inclined to view with caution. In a couple of weeks, he will be departing with his regiment for Brighton, and I will be deprived of his company, but I take great pleasure in knowing that I shall have you soon here at home.

  Your father,

  Thomas Bennet

  Elizabeth knew instantly that sending Lydia to Brighton would be a mistake. She did not know what shape the disaster would take, or when it would occur, but she knew she was not wrong. Lydia was too impulsive and much too reckless for her to foresee a different outcome. Her superficiality and obstinacy had been quite obvious for many years and over time, encouraged by Mrs. Bennet, she had developed into an even more frivolous creature.

  “And with no one to censure her for the whole summer, it would be worse still. Lydia will be at liberty to do as she pleases.” Elizabeth thought for a while and could not find an ans
wer. “I need to return to Longbourn. I need to make Papa see that it would be a mistake to send Lydia on her own to Brighton.”

  The other part of the letter intrigued her even further.

  “Mr. Wickham mentioned me to my father... I know Papa and I am sure it was not a coincidence that he included this information in his letter. Is he trying to ascertain if I have an interest? Do I?”

  Elizabeth realised that she had not thought of Mr. Wickham in quite a while, at least not since Rosings. When she left Hertfordshire, she held Mr. Wickham in high esteem, as did everyone else at Longbourn. She suffered for him and for the injustice he had suffered at the hands of Mr. Darcy. Yet, Mr. Darcy was unapologetic in his disdain for the man.

  Elizabeth strove to find a different sentiment towards Mr. Wickham other than compassion for the opportunities he had been denied in life. When Mr. Darcy asked her if she had feelings for him, she had refused to answer because it was improper of him to ask her, not because she was keeping it a secret. There were no feelings of attachment.

  “Mr. Darcy, on the other hand…” Elizabeth paused, “How do I really feel about him? How strange to find myself caught between two sentiments! I find what Mr. Darcy has done to Mr. Wickham condemnable, but at the same time, I feel so unlike myself when I am around him, when he speaks to me, when he is near me.”

  His declaration of love did not leave her unaffected. She was aware she could have become Mrs. Darcy, mistress of Pemberley, should she have wished it. It would have been so simple to forget all her pride. But to enter into a marriage without knowing or trusting the man was an impossibility.

  Elizabeth was not sure whether he had changed his mind altogether by now. Mr. Darcy had not spoken again about their encounter in Rosings Park, even though they had seen each other since. The day she entered his study to convince him to confront the future would not have been a proper occasion for such a discussion for obvious reasons. She still blushed at the remembrance of her audacity in entering his territory, but she did not repent for having done it. It happened on an impulse, and the conversation between the Colonel and Mr. Darcy, which she overheard from the hall, just as she was leaving Georgiana’s room, convinced her there was no alternative than to try herself to reach out to Mr. Darcy.

  After that day, Mr. Darcy returned to his daily activities and she saw him less. They had barely a moment alone. Mr. Darcy did appear to remember their discussion that day at the Parsonage, and Elizabeth gave up thinking about it.

  One thing that gave Elizabeth happiness was the respect Mr. Darcy was showing to Jane. Miss Darcy had improved greatly under Jane’s care and on occasion, Elizabeth even saw Mr. Darcy asking her for advice or reports on his sister. Since Miss Darcy was not speaking much – or better said, speaking mostly to Jane, Mr. Darcy relied heavily on her sister.

  “Surely, he can no longer doubt that Jane’s interest in Georgiana is only based on a sincere friendship.”

  One concern that she still had was connected to something that happened a few days ago, when Miss Darcy had spent half an hour listening to Jane playing the pianoforte in the presence of Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth herself. It had been a most pleasant afternoon, until it was interrupted by the arrival of Miss Caroline Bingley and her maid.

  Miss Bingley was most surprised to see Elizabeth in Mr. Darcy’s company, although she was civil and strove to be friendly towards her, most likely for Mr. Darcy’s benefit. Nevertheless, as much as Elizabeth wished to deny it, Miss Bingley’s affection for Mr. Darcy’s sister was genuine. She came prepared with remedies she had obtained from her family, and only Georgiana’s polite refusal had prevented Caroline from accompanying her to the girl’s chamber.

  Once, Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy and Miss Bingley were left alone, Elizabeth studied them both as they conversed and found them to be as close as they had appeared to be at Netherfield Park. Elizabeth realised that things had returned to their natural state and there was little else for her to do in the room. So, she excused herself from their presence, determined to return home. Her intention was to look first for Jane, to bid her farewell, but in finding her engaged, Elizabeth decided to leave for Gracechurch Street leaving only a note.

  As she headed to the door, she heard Miss Bingley say, “I do believe you should give this idea some thought, Mr. Darcy.”

  “Miss Bennet has been with Georgiana since she fell ill.”

  “Well, yes… and do you not find it curious that she was there at exactly the right moment?”

  “What are you trying to say, Miss Bingley?”

  “I have been prevented from seeing Georgiana, and this has raised my suspicions; I confess I do not know the reason though. Perhaps it is only my natural mistrust in ladies who have friends like that awful Mr. Wickham.”

  Mr. Darcy’s entire demeanour changed upon hearing that name, reminding Elizabeth at once how he had reacted at Rosings. Elizabeth felt irritated that Miss Bingley had deliberately steered the conversation to turn Mr. Darcy against her as well as Jane; she was perfectly aware it was not a coincidence. What most alarmed Elizabeth, however, was Miss Bingley’s insinuation that she, and by proximity, Jane, were connected to Mr. Wickham.

  Elizabeth suddenly realised how much Miss Bingley had always opposed Jane.

  “Miss Bingley’s civilities stopped long ago,” Elizabeth thought with contempt. “She is ready to use even me against my sister. And I shall not allow it.”

  Chapter 14

  Elizabeth stopped visiting the Darcys’ house after that day. Instead, she preferred to meet Jane for short walks at convenient hours outside the house. Elizabeth accompanied the Gardiner twins and Jasper to the park and delighted in the company of her sister, who was allowing herself a respite from looking after Miss Darcy.

  “Miss Darcy is much better now, Lizzy. Yesterday we went for a short walk in the morning. Unfortunately, it was too cold, and we had to return home much quicker than we would have wished. Even Mr. Darcy accompanied us.”

  Elizabeth was pleased by the news, but she needed to inform her sister of her own plans, without really revealing the reasons behind them.

  “I am thinking of returning to Longbourn, Jane. There is nothing to keep me here, I am afraid, and at Longbourn, Papa needs me. I still hope to change his mind about Lydia.”

  “I wish I could accompany you. But Miss Darcy, although she is doing well, depends so much on my company.”

  “Try not to exhaust yourself.”

  “I know, Lizzy. But Miss Darcy is so lonely. Ever since I met her I have been struck by it. I have you, and Lydia, and Mary and Kitty, Mama and Papa… but she…” Jane paused and turned to her sister, “Can I tell you something in confidence, Lizzy?”

  There was something of alarm in Jane’s voice that stopped Elizabeth from walking and made her face Jane in all seriousness. “There is something I have not told you.” Elizabeth looked at her sister with curiosity. “I do not know what to think of her illness. It is odd indeed, but I think the doctor is right, she received a shock the day she started feeling unwell. We were in the carriage returning from Lady Matlock’s house and she asked me whether I had ever been in love.”

  “She asked you about Mr. Bingley?”

  “No,” Jane blushed instantly. “I first thought the same, but she asked her question in such a general manner that I do not believe that was her intention. We returned home and as we entered, Mrs. Annesley told Miss Darcy that she had received a letter. She took it and looked over it. I did not find it odd at the time, but when I saw her expression change as she was reviewing it, I thought she had seen a ghost. She then excused herself to go to her chamber. I thought nothing of it, but when she did not return I begged Mrs. Annesley to see what had happened. And this is how we found her.”

  “Indeed, I must confess that I find it strange myself. Do you think Miss Darcy has a secret?”

  “A secret of the heart, you mean? I do not know. But you know, we all tend to have one of those.”

  Elizabeth stopped as she indulge
d in her thoughts.

  “Have you told Mr. Darcy?”

  “No. It would be most uncivil on my part to speak in such an open fashion about what Miss Darcy asked me in private. And besides, I have noticed that Georgiana seems to be apprehensive about Mr. Darcy being in her presence. It is as though she is afraid of him. She has barely spoken two words to him since she recovered.”

  “Why would Miss Darcy be afraid of her brother?”

  Elizabeth took a moment to ponder what she had learned. “Do you know what happened to it? To the letter, I mean. Did Miss Darcy take it with her?” Jane tried to recall, but she was unsuccessful.

  “With all that has happened, it was the last thing any of us cared about at that time.”

  The walk soon concluded as Jane had to return to the house. She had promised she would be back no later than two o’clock. Elizabeth continued to walk for a while longer and later, when she reached Gracechurch Street, spent the rest of the afternoon in her chamber, preparing her luggage for the return to Longbourn. She was determined to increase the distance between Mr. Darcy and herself, and to protect Jane in the meantime.

  “Surely, you cannot leave right now, Lizzy,” her aunt protested when Elizabeth stated her intention, “Your uncle and I have received an invitation to a ball at Lady Pollock’s house in two days’ time. I had hoped that you would join us, seeing that Jane can no longer attend.” Elizabeth sought to excuse herself, but she was overwhelmed by her aunt’s insistence. “I have even responded to the invitation, stating we shall be accompanied by our niece and I fear it would be impolite on our account not to go as promised.”

  Elizabeth agreed at last, although her spirits were not what they should have been in the face of such an enchanting opportunity. Music and dancing were the last things on Elizabeth’s mind, but she strove not to show her aunt her apprehension. The following days were spent in agitation as Elizabeth was taken to a seamstress to have one of her dresses altered for such an elegant event.